Friday, July 23, 2010
Archive #5: Missing 6/10/10
6/10/10 Background: This was smack in the middle of Albert's pre-All-Star Game "slump."
Friday, July 16, 2010
Archive #5: Things You Can Do With Six Hours and 53 Minutes 04/22/10
4/22/10
Well, the big news in the MLB this past weekend was the 20-inning epic that the Mets and Cardinals engaged in on Saturday. Unfortunately, I watched the entire thing, and wasted a beautiful Saturday watching Tony La Russa lose his mind, then the game.
Needless to say, it made me wonder what other things I could’ve done in that amount of time. So here you go Cardinals fans, a list of things you can do in six hours and 53 minutes:
Cook a 20-pound turkey and most of the sides.
Watch Forrest Gump almost three times.
Compete in three marathons.
Get almost a full night’s sleep.
Watch the entire original Star Wars trilogy.
Get in almost an entire day at work.
Play a round and a half of golf. At two different courses.
Drive from St. Louis to Columbus, OH with time for a short stop for lunch.
Get plastic surgery done almost twice.
Watch an entire season of Seinfeld.
Send a message to pretty much every person you know that’s on Facebook or Twitter.
Watch the movie “Major League” about three and a half times. Not to mention that there are a lot less coaching gaffes in that entire movie than in any given Cardinals game.
Well, the big news in the MLB this past weekend was the 20-inning epic that the Mets and Cardinals engaged in on Saturday. Unfortunately, I watched the entire thing, and wasted a beautiful Saturday watching Tony La Russa lose his mind, then the game.
Needless to say, it made me wonder what other things I could’ve done in that amount of time. So here you go Cardinals fans, a list of things you can do in six hours and 53 minutes:
Cook a 20-pound turkey and most of the sides.
Watch Forrest Gump almost three times.
Compete in three marathons.
Get almost a full night’s sleep.
Watch the entire original Star Wars trilogy.
Get in almost an entire day at work.
Play a round and a half of golf. At two different courses.
Drive from St. Louis to Columbus, OH with time for a short stop for lunch.
Get plastic surgery done almost twice.
Watch an entire season of Seinfeld.
Send a message to pretty much every person you know that’s on Facebook or Twitter.
Watch the movie “Major League” about three and a half times. Not to mention that there are a lot less coaching gaffes in that entire movie than in any given Cardinals game.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Archive #4: What We Learned: A Recap of the First Series 04/09/10
Well, the first series of the season is over with, and there were certainly some things we learned about this year’s club. In no particular order, we learned that:
Albert Pujols is very good at baseball.
Our bullpen sucks.
We shouldn't expect much offense out of Yadier Molina until about June, as with his grand slam Monday, he's already reached his average HR numbers and RBI totals for two months.
Our bullpen sucks.
Matt Holliday can in fact catch fly balls.
In a real twist, Ryan Ludwick can do something good offensively in a scenario other than no outs with the Cardinals up at least five runs. This is the first recorded instance of this ever happening.
Our bullpen sucks.
Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are very good at pitching.
Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are not very good at hitting.
While Colby Rasmus is not in fact the greatest baseball player ever in the history of the universe, and any universes that have not been discovered yet, like we were originally told and told again, and then told one more time, even though it took him like four seasons to finally bust into the majors, he is pretty good. Of course, it's pretty easy to look good when you follow Rick Ankiel's act, and you have Ryan Ludwick batting after you.
Thinking about Rick Ankiel and Ryan Ludwick evidently makes me write extremely long run-on sentences.
Scott Rolen is still good. At baseball. Not drinking.
Our bullpen sucks.
Tony La Russa is still fully capable of making personnel decisions that leave us completely bewildered. I guess the regular starters needed a day off yesterday after an extremely taxing schedule of afternoon game, OFF DAY, night game. I've heard that he's even considering filing a grievance against the schedule makers for such a demanding first week.
Albert Pujols is very good at baseball.
Our bullpen sucks.
We shouldn't expect much offense out of Yadier Molina until about June, as with his grand slam Monday, he's already reached his average HR numbers and RBI totals for two months.
Our bullpen sucks.
Matt Holliday can in fact catch fly balls.
In a real twist, Ryan Ludwick can do something good offensively in a scenario other than no outs with the Cardinals up at least five runs. This is the first recorded instance of this ever happening.
Our bullpen sucks.
Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are very good at pitching.
Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are not very good at hitting.
While Colby Rasmus is not in fact the greatest baseball player ever in the history of the universe, and any universes that have not been discovered yet, like we were originally told and told again, and then told one more time, even though it took him like four seasons to finally bust into the majors, he is pretty good. Of course, it's pretty easy to look good when you follow Rick Ankiel's act, and you have Ryan Ludwick batting after you.
Thinking about Rick Ankiel and Ryan Ludwick evidently makes me write extremely long run-on sentences.
Scott Rolen is still good. At baseball. Not drinking.
Our bullpen sucks.
Tony La Russa is still fully capable of making personnel decisions that leave us completely bewildered. I guess the regular starters needed a day off yesterday after an extremely taxing schedule of afternoon game, OFF DAY, night game. I've heard that he's even considering filing a grievance against the schedule makers for such a demanding first week.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Archive #3: April Fool's Day in the Cardinals' Clubhouse
For many of us, this day is just an important of a holiday as Independence Day, Labor Day or Christmas. Anyone with a great sense of humor loves April Fool’s Day, and lucky for us the Cardinals have some real comedians on the roster this year. I got a hold of my sources and found out what gags went down in the clubhouse today.
Albert Pujols shows up 10 minutes late in a wheelchair with several casts and various bandages. There is a collective holding of breath, and clinching of the butt cheeks by everyone in the room, until finally he shouts “DÃa de los Inocentes!!” and jumps out of the wheelchair ready to go. Immediately, everyone in the room changes their underwear.
David Freese strolls in about half an hour late with an empty Budweiser in his hands. After stumbling around for a while he finally eases the tension by calling ‘April Fool’s’, but only momentarily as Tony La Russa is then awkwardly forced to hide the bottle of wine he had taken out to share with Freese.
On the field, Matt Holliday begins throwing with Ryan Ludwick. Holliday is seen dropping every single one of Ludwick’s throws until finally Holliday says “Okay, okay, just kidding.” The Cardinals become furious when later in the day; Holliday drops a line drive in the game leading to a run.
Ryan Ludwick comes up with two outs and the Cards down by a run. Amazingly he comes through in the clutch and blasts a home run to tie the game. This would lead to a Cardinals rally, and we would take a five-run lead.
In the late innings Ryan Franklin has an intense warm-up and promptly strikes out the first two batters he faces on six straight pitches. He then turns to the dugout and tells everyone “Gotcha!!” then allows five consecutive extra base hits, three walks, a hit-batsman, and a grand slam.
Despite Franklin’s poor outing, the Cardinals are only down two runs, and up with two runners on comes Mr. Ludwick. He strikes out on three straight pitches. Upon returning to the dugout, he sees everyone sitting around looking extremely dejected. His only response: “Come on guys, you HAD to know that first homer in the clutch was a joke.” The Cards end up losing.
John Mozeliak bursts into the room after the game informing everyone that he had just acquired Mariano Rivera from the Yankees and that our closer role had finally been shored up. Mozeliak becomes extremely disappointed when no one falls for the gag because anyone stupid enough to believe that he actually made a move for a quality relief pitcher clearly doesn’t have the intelligence level needed to comprehend the rules of baseball.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Archive #2: Other Absurd Trade Rumors From Around the League
A couple of weeks ago, there was one of the silliest rumors in recent memory floating around that, for some reason, said we were going to trade Albert Pujols for Ryan Howard. Now, if you're reading this, that means that you're probably a Cardinals fan, and if you are able to read, that means that you are one of the few lucky Cards' fans whose brain didn't explode when hearing about this rumor.
Anyway, it got me thinking about what other ridiculous rumors may be lurking. So, after some investigation, I dug up a few, and decided to share them with all of you.
The Detroit Tigers offer Cecil Fielder to Milwaukee for Prince Fielder
Unbeknownst to everyone, Cecil Fielder has been playing in the minors since he retired, and can still hit the ball pretty well. This is ironic since Prince and Cecil are no longer on speaking terms. It's yet to be seen if the rumor adds to the turmoil.
The Yankees offer Alex Rodriguez to the Braves for Chipper Jones
In an effort to clear some contract money, the Yankees make the unwise move to try and acquire yet another player that's in his fifties.
The Cardinals offer the 'Ghost of Rick Ankiel' Past to the Kansas City Royals for Zach Greinke
This offer is just plain stupid. First of all, Rick Ankiel sucks. Second of all, it would have to mean that John Mozeliak actually tried to acquire a pitcher with talent, and everyone knows that's impossible.
The Washington Nationals offer Stephen Strasburg to the Brewers for Bob Uecker
The Nationals decide that the reason they don't have many fans isn't because they suck, but it's actually because they don't have a funny play by play guy. The Brewers turn down the deal under the sinking suspicion that the Nationals are going to trade Uecker to the Cleveland Indians for Rick Vaughn.
The Chicago Cubs offer Alfonso Soriano to the Chicago White Sox for Frank Thomas
The White Sox turn down the deal, because even though Thomas is retired, he's still a hell of a lot better than Soriano was last season.
The Seattle Mariners offer Ken Griffey, Jr. to the Seattle Mariners for Ken Griffey, Jr.
It makes about as much sense as Ryan Howard for Albert Pujols.
Anyway, it got me thinking about what other ridiculous rumors may be lurking. So, after some investigation, I dug up a few, and decided to share them with all of you.
The Detroit Tigers offer Cecil Fielder to Milwaukee for Prince Fielder
Unbeknownst to everyone, Cecil Fielder has been playing in the minors since he retired, and can still hit the ball pretty well. This is ironic since Prince and Cecil are no longer on speaking terms. It's yet to be seen if the rumor adds to the turmoil.
The Yankees offer Alex Rodriguez to the Braves for Chipper Jones
In an effort to clear some contract money, the Yankees make the unwise move to try and acquire yet another player that's in his fifties.
The Cardinals offer the 'Ghost of Rick Ankiel' Past to the Kansas City Royals for Zach Greinke
This offer is just plain stupid. First of all, Rick Ankiel sucks. Second of all, it would have to mean that John Mozeliak actually tried to acquire a pitcher with talent, and everyone knows that's impossible.
The Washington Nationals offer Stephen Strasburg to the Brewers for Bob Uecker
The Nationals decide that the reason they don't have many fans isn't because they suck, but it's actually because they don't have a funny play by play guy. The Brewers turn down the deal under the sinking suspicion that the Nationals are going to trade Uecker to the Cleveland Indians for Rick Vaughn.
The Chicago Cubs offer Alfonso Soriano to the Chicago White Sox for Frank Thomas
The White Sox turn down the deal, because even though Thomas is retired, he's still a hell of a lot better than Soriano was last season.
The Seattle Mariners offer Ken Griffey, Jr. to the Seattle Mariners for Ken Griffey, Jr.
It makes about as much sense as Ryan Howard for Albert Pujols.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Archive #1: Ten (Not So) Bold Predictions About the 2010 Cardinals
Background: 03/17/10 This was a fun little BatB preview for the season. You can decide how these predictions have held up so far.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Well, Spring Training is in full swing, and it won’t be long until the season is upon us. With that in mind, I give you ten predictions for this coming year and our Cardinals. In no particular order...
1.) Tony La Russa will be a stubborn bastard. You heard it here first, folks.
2.) Albert Pujols will be a badass, despite several rumored injuries that don’t really seem to exist.
3.) Yadier Molina will try and throw out a base stealer, and actually throw the ball completely through Skip Schumaker.
4.) The DeWitts will raise ticket prices, and continue to put on this act like they don’t have any money.
5.
) Ryan Ludwick will drive in a million runs with the bases empty, and the Cardinals ahead 10-0, but strikeout 150 times when the game is tied in the late innings.
6.) Matt Holiday will suffer a severe jaw injury misplaying a fly ball while trying to count all the zeroes in his new contract.
7.) Mark McGwire will pop a pimple.
8.) A big name relief pitcher that would instantly make us a World Series favorite will become available, and Mozeliak will stay away from him like he has ‘the Clap.’
9.) John Mozeliak will make a move for a position player,completely ignoring the fact, for the first time in months, that our bullpen blows.
10.) Ryan Franklin will abruptly remember that he’s never actually been very good at pitching, and blow 15 to 20 saves in a row.
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Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Welcome!
Welcome to The Birds and the Bees, a St. Louis Cardinals humor blog.
I've been writing blogs for several months now, including one about the Cardinals for about the past three. In the next few days, I'll be archiving the posts from that other blog on here, before I make my way into the new stuff.
I've got some cool things planned to get you rolling your eyes, laughing, and probably shaking your head.
In addition, I've got some guests lined up who plan on possibly even writing something informative on here, but, we'll see.
Anyway, stay tuned, sit back, and enjoy!
-The Birds and the Bees
I've been writing blogs for several months now, including one about the Cardinals for about the past three. In the next few days, I'll be archiving the posts from that other blog on here, before I make my way into the new stuff.
I've got some cool things planned to get you rolling your eyes, laughing, and probably shaking your head.
In addition, I've got some guests lined up who plan on possibly even writing something informative on here, but, we'll see.
Anyway, stay tuned, sit back, and enjoy!
-The Birds and the Bees
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